Organ Donation: Explaining Big Things to Little People

This is a guest post written by my best friend Lauren Herschel.  Lauren is one of the most selfless people I know and I decided to post her guest blog today in honour of Thanksgiving. She's sharing how she talked about her decision to become a living organ donor with her stepson. Thank you Lauren for your generosity in being a role model for Organ Donation. You can read the full story of her donation journey on her blog.

 

In late 2010, I decided to go through the process of testing to become a living kidney donor. As I progressed through the many stages and layers of tests (it can take anywhere from three to six months on average) I selectively began to tell people about my intentions to donate. My partner, my mom, my best friend, my boss. The further along I got in the process, the more confident and comfortable I felt in sharing the news with the people in my life. While most people were supportive, everyone was very surprised - mostly because I didn't know anyone with kidney disease who needed a transplant. I was choosing to donate to a stranger that I might never meet.

There was one very important person in my life I didn't tell for a very long time - my 8 going on 9 year old step son. In the beginning I didn't tell him for a few reasons. I wasn't sure I'd be approved and if it wasn't going to happen, I thought maybe he didn't need to know. Also, his dad was struggling a bit with my decision and I didn't want to complicate things further. But probably the main reason I took so long to tell him was this: How do you explain something as big as organ donation to a little person? It was hard enough to articulate to other adults who had known me my whole life. How would I even start the conversation with a kid?

 

 

I've been in Parker's life since he was five. His mom and dad share joint custody, so he is with us every other week for the full week. He's a good kid (most of the time) and we have a good relationship that has improved greatly over the years. I think he sees me as part-guardian, part teacher or something like that. He often prefers to ask me questions about how the world works over his Dad and has implied a couple of times I "know more" than his Dad about stuff (ha!). Despite all this, I was at a loss as to when and how to tell him that I would be donating my kidney. Would he even know what a kidney was? Would he be scared? Would he understand?

Eventually I made it through all the testing early May 2011 and was given a surgery date of June 7. With the big day rapidly approaching it was time to have the talk with Parker. We were out one night walking our two dogs when I decided to bring it up. I asked him if he knew what kidneys were. He immediately pointed to where they were in his body. Good start! I asked if he knew what they did and after some reflecting, he said he wasn't sure but he knew we had two. I told him that their job was to filter things in our body but for some people, they didn't work anymore. He asked me what happened to those people. I told him they needed a special machine that would clean their blood for them, but they had to do it a few times a week for quite a few hours. It kept them alive but they were tired a lot which made it hard to work and do fun things with their family. And that the only way off the machine was to get a transplant. I could tell just by looking at him he was giving this a lot of thought. I took a deep breath and dropped my news.

"In about a month, I am going to have an operation so I can give someone who is going through that one of my kidneys". I waited to see what his response would be. He furrowed his brow as he often does when trying to process something new.

"Just one? Because if it is both you might not be okay."

I assured him it was just the one and that because the doctors had already made sure I was extra healthy, I would be fine. He thought about this for a minute and said "Well I guess that makes sense then. And it's good, because you you can help save a life or something". I asked if he had any questions or things he was worried about and he said he didn't. I let him know if he thought of any he could ask his Dad or I.

Leading up to and after the surgery I made sure to check in with Parker and make sure he was still okay with everything. We made sure he had the opportunity to be a part of things as much as possible. He came along with his Dad a couple of times to visit me in the hospital (which of course generated more questions!) and was quite helpful around the house when I came home post surgery.

Sometimes it is easy to over think and over plan how to tell our kids about the big things that come up in life. If we just keep the message (s) simple, relate it back to values and ideas they already know (in my case, sharing, being nice to others, doing good deeds), kids have an amazing ability to understand and process big ideas. I also think, when possible, it is good to have big conversations with kids in a more relaxed environment rather than sitting everyone down formally (which can be scary for kids), announcing that you have something important to discuss. They'll be more likely to feel comfortable asking questions and discuss their feelings with you. Be ready to listen and be sure to acknowledge any feelings, good or bad, they might have about your news. And most importantly, be prepared to revisit the questions and concerns about the "big thing" your little people might have.

~ Lauren Herschel